Roots- Catie B.

黄艳

2011. 6. 16

寻根

刚来中国时，我打车回学校。出租车司机好奇地问我：“你是哪国人？”我回答：“美国人，”但是他不信。我一次又一次地告诉他我真是来自美国，但他总说这是不可能的。他不是用耳朵听我说的话，而是只用眼睛看我像中国人的样子才决定我肯定是中国人。陌生人告诉你你是哪国人可不是一件正常的事。这个情况让我想很多很多，而且让我自问：我到底是哪国人？
虽然我是在中国的武汉出生的，但是我一岁被领养了，一直在美国长大。于是我感觉我算是个美国人。我的习惯，食物，节日惯例，爱好，甚至连我走路的方式都是美国的。但是我从小对中国非常感兴趣，因为我忘不了我祖先的国家。四岁时，我随着母亲去中国领养我妹妹。即使那次去中国的记忆不清楚，但是我家里还有很多中国的照片。每次看到那些照片，我对中国的兴趣增加了。幸亏我高中有汉语课。我很早就想来中国留学。得知我获得了美国政府的奖学金来中国，我感到兴高采烈。来中国之前，我想过我像中国人一样可能遇到一些困难。实际上，没有那么大的困难，因为知道了我不是当地的中国人，没事了。如果像个典型的美国人，连说“谢谢”中国人会说“你中文说得多好啊！”可是我说中文，中国人常常会有点惊讶因为他们可能不知道我为什么有口音。我总是希望我汉语水平尤其是口语能够完美，也总觉得我应该更努力。但是我发现，如果你总是精益求精，总是不满意，就总是会失望。这个事实帮我安慰自己。因为中国人以为我是个本地人，所以我觉得我中文应该说得跟中国人一样流利，可是现在我还没达到这个水平。我才发现学中文不要着急，应该再接再厉，但不能自卑。
今年我不仅学会如何自己解决问题，而且更了解自己。中国人对我的背景有不同的看法。有的认为我的血液，肤色，和形象可以决定我是哪国人，因此他们认为我完全算是个中国人。他们的想法比较传统。还有一些人认为由于我在美国长大，我接受了美国的教育和思想，受到了本土文化熏陶，所以算是美国人。
住在中国九个月，我有了结论。我不完全是美国人，也不完全是中国人。我永远跟中文，中国文化，中国人民有千丝万缕的联系。有时，我觉得我属于中国。例如，中国食物很适应我的胃口，我的口味也像中国南方人一样。不过由于美国的教育与我美国家庭的影响，我的思维像美国似的。我有两个家乡，一个是武汉，一个是附近咿呀州。我感到很幸运有机会能了解我从小要学的祖先的语言。我对两个国家的情愫是让人牵挂的。
如今，我回到魂牵梦绕的中国，寻找祖先的足迹这几个月的经历让我收获了很多，也让我觉得非常幸福。美国和中国都是我热爱的国家。我对这两个国家很忠心，也为她们感到自豪。

Catie B.

March 18th, 2012

Roots

Shortly after arriving in China, as I am taking a taxi back to school, the driver curiously asks me, “Where are you from?” I answer, “I am American,” but he doesn’t believe me.  I stand my ground and repeat again that I really am from America, but he continues to tell me this is impossible.  Rather than listening to what I was saying, he solely relied on my external Chinese appearance to determine that I must be Chinese. It is not everyday that strangers tell you who you are.  This event gave me a lot to think about.  I began to ask myself that very same question, “Where am I from?”
I was born in Wuhan, China. I was adopted at the age of one and have spent my whole life growing up in America. Therefore, upon arriving in China for a 10-month study abroad program in Beijing, I felt very American.  My habits, customs, hobbies, even the way I walked were all American. However, ever since I was little I was very interested in China.  I could never forget the country of my ancestors.  When I was four years old, I went with my mother to China to adopt my younger sister.  Since I was so young, the memories from that first trip back to China have mostly faded, but I still have photos to help me remember.  Each time I flipped through those photo albums, I became even more interested in learning about China.  Fortunately, my high school offered Chinese classes.  Once I started taking Chinese classes, I longed even more to study abroad in China.  Upon finding out the offer from NSLI-y for a full scholarship to study in Beijing for a whole school year, I was excited beyond belief.  Before arriving in China, I pondered what sort of problems I might come across due to my ambiguous nationality.  Over the course of the year, I found that looking Chinese did not cause too many issues.  It caused confusion, no doubt, but once I told people I was not a native, it was all right. I noticed that when my American looking classmates said anything in Chinese, even something as simple as “thank you,” Chinese people would be thoroughly impressed, complimenting them with, “You’re Chinese is so good!” Whereas when I spoke Chinese, the reaction would usually be a confused expression because of my unexpected accent.  While in China, I hoped to attain perfect Chinese speaking ability, to the point where I could go out and talk to Chinese people without them knowing I wasn’t a native.  When I didn’t achieve this goal, I used to always tell myself to just “try harder”.  However, now I realize that this was a very high expectation, not to mention a largely unattainable goal for myself.  I have also come to realize that if you always strive for perfection, you will just end up being disappointed.  Because I look Chinese, I wanted to become as fluent as the natives, but at the end of the 10 months in China, I still had not reached that level.  Thus, I have discovered that when it comes to learning a new language, you can’t be in a hurry.  Instead, you must be persistent and not let self-doubt keep you from succeeding.
This year, I have learned how to solve problems on my own.  I have become more independent.  But more importantly, I have learned a lot about myself. The Chinese have different views about my background.  Some think that the Chinese blood running through my veins, the color of my skin, and my outward Chinese appearance prove that I am Chinese. Others think that the influence of my American upbringing, American education, and American way of thinking prove that I am American.
There were times in China when I just felt an overwhelming sense of belonging. I will always have a deep connection with China, Chinese culture, and the Chinese people. However, due to the influence of my American education and adoptive family, my thoughts, values and morals align much more with American standards. Therefore, I will never be completely American, or completely Chinese; I am neither just from Wuhan, or just from McLean, Virginia. My identity will always fall somewhere in the middle.
From my experience of going back to China, the experience of searching for the footprints of my ancestors, my life as been transformed in ways I would have never imagined.  I am so grateful for this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Translated from 八十中学毕业论文:寻根，written June 16th, 2011